i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
so much tequila, so little girl.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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