Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
