god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
