I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My pussy is not your playground.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
