party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
