Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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