I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
