I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
