i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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