If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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