What did we do last night that was yellow?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
