47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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