i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
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Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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