i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
