I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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