I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
His nipple licking is glorious
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