Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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