You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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