i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
