Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
