Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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