last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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