Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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