Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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