Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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