too bad you live with your parents still
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
