Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's never too late to be topless.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
