Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
