We're facebook friends in real life
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
