Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
