i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
