My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
