I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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