got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
