He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
