In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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