he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
