I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
