I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
