it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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