I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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