I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just pee around me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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