If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
