Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
