You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
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