I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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