Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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