just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
