Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
