doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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