Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
