Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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