i will never coherently bang her
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
