She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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