This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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