We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
