Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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